Left behind
by SlytherinElektra
Summary: An exploration of Kili's thought and feeling after he's injured in Desoltaion of Smaug (movie!verse - And beware SPOILERS!). He had to remain whole... he was not going to let a mere flesh wound stop him. Or was it more than that? Hurt!Kili, sick Kili and much angst. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

This was the end. Kili knew it, as much as he wanted to hope that it was probable that someone would notice that his wasn't a regular wound and they would say that he couldn't continue in the company, that he was a burden. But no, that couldn't happen, all his his life had been building up to this, he had heard the stories, fantasized with being there living adventures and recovering their home, and now that he was so close to that, so terrible close - just a couple of days and some few miles away from their destination he could lose everything, everything that he had hoped for, everything he'd wanted to do in his life since he was a child because of some orc wound that wasn't healing, because of a stupid arrow that he now suspected to be poisoned.

_It's only an infection, nothing else, nothing to worry about_

But Kili had been wounded before many times while he and his brother were playing or practising, or out in the woods. He knew pain, he knew what was being shot at and he knew that he shouldn't feel like he was feeling, not so long after the shot, not after his leg was bound, not when it was a flesh wound were no organs were involved. He knew perfectly well that something was wrong, that something was worse than it sould be. His leg was still on fire, even many hours after taking out the arrow and his head swam and hurt.

There were waves of pain coming and going, starting in his leg but spreading to his whole body. And he knew that wasn't normal either. This was pain like he had never experienced before. If he'd been back at home, before all this, he would have complained and let his family take care of him, maybe lain in bed until he was healed. But not now, he couldn't do that now. He wanted to help, he wanted to be a part of what was going to happen.

_Nothing will stop me. I'm stronger than this - I can do this, just as everybody else. _

This was what they've been waiting for all their lives, this would down on history. They would make songs about it, write it in books and there would be many stories about what they would achieve. Together. Maybe they would even be made into statues.

And after all that he'd gone through the last few weeks, Kili deserved to be there. He would have it no other way. Everyday of that mission, since they left for the Shire to meet Bilbo, Kili had imagined what it would like to be inside the Lonely Mountain, home of their ancestors, soon to be their home again, and free everyone from that dragon. He would be a great hero, and be recognized for his courage and skill in battle. That is what would happen. He'd been prisoner of trolls, had walked in the ice, almost got eaten by spiders and then was imprisned by elves, too. He deserved this. He was part of company and deserved his shot at greatness.

_Destiny._

So when people asked (Fili most of all, that bastard knew him so well) he said that he was fine and pretended to not be feeling like fire had leaked into his veins and was slowly spreading through his body. No, he was okay. Everything was good, it had only been a flesh-wound. Nothing to worry about. He would continue walking and fighting and would be remarkable, and the rest of the dwarves (and his uncle) would be proud of him and be glad that he was there. And he would go to to the mountain, and be there, in every step of the way. He would be great. No wound would prevent him from his destiny.

But as the hours passed, Kili could feel his brother's eyes on him, watching everything. Asking more often often that not whether he was all right, if he was in any pain. And he didn't like having to lie so much and so often - but he had to. He was not going to left stranded and alone while almost all his friends left for the greatest adventure that ever was. They were not going to save the world without him. It was not fair.  
Sadly, it was getting harder and harder to hide his pain as it was getting stronger and spreading. Sometimes, Kili felt a bit faint and had to put all his mind into not collapsing. Some moments, breathing and walking became and incredible effort.

"Kili?"

And his brother was watching. He was always watching. So he had to prove somehow that he was perfectly all right. Even if he wasn't. That he could keep up the pace set by the rest of the company. Even if he couldn't. And this was a nice way to prove himself.

_I am perfectly fine, please believe it, Fili, Thorin, believe it..._

By the time the dwarves reached the armory Kili was barely holding himself together. His head hurt, inmensely and his indies were on on fire. Every step he walked was hell, but he could make it - for the mission. For the good of all dwarves. And they kept giving him weapons, heavy weapons and expecting him to carry them. This was it. He would prove how whole he was. But as they left weapons in his hands, Kili could feel his legs shaking. This was not good. So not good.

"Are you sure you're all right?" Thorin asked him, for the thousandth time.

He said he was, wanting to prove himself.

He was a fool.

The moment he put a foot on the first step of the stairs, he felt his legs collapse, his whole body collapse and he let go of the weapons in his hands. The metal objects made a terrible noise as he did, when he fell. He couldn't see anything. He didn't even care, in that moment, about the noise he'd made, about how he probably ruined all the operation. He couldn't even think about that.

All he wanted was for the pain to stop. To leave him alone, once and for all. It had been enough. More than enough. And he was so, so tired. But he couldn't forget where he was, and why he was there. He looked up. In mere seconds, they were all surrounded by guards, swords in thier throats. Kili looked up at his uncle, wordlessly.

He failed and he knew it.

_I'm so sorry._

They were taken to the entrance of the governor's house and Thorin began to speak. Kili knew he should pay attention, see if his uncle could solve the mess he'd gotten the whole comapny into, but couldn't. He felt so sick, his whole body throbbed. And the cold wasn't helping, not a bit. It took all of his strength to remain uptight. This was bad. But he could resist. Thorin could take them out of that mess and they would continue their journey. This was only a minor problem. He watched attentively, even if his mind was clouded and he hurt and he was cold. He had screwed up once, he couldn't do it again. Thorin would give him a second chance, he was sure, but not a third. So he had to be specially careful from that moment on.

And after a while it finally came. The moment when they finally were going to leave the laketown for the Lonely Mountain, the last step, after so many difficulties. He was going to enter the boat when he was stopped.

_No, no, please, no, I've worked so hard for this._

"Not you." his uncle said, serious. "We will travel at speed. You will slow us down."

NO. There was no way he was left behind when they were so close. Not for a stupid wound. He was Kili, notorious archer, skilled warrior. No. Thorin had to give him a second chance.

... But he didn't.

"Stay here and rest. You'll join us when you're healed."

He looked in disbelief. They were going to abandon him. After everything, all the work he'd put into this, all the agony and the hurt, he was going to be left behind. They would and enter the mountain of their ancestors and fight the dragon. And he would remain there, all his dreams shattered - useless and frustrated and in pain. There was nothing left anymore. Only the pain.

Oin joined him. Small comfort that was. The other dwarf fussed over Kili but he refused the attentions. This damn injury had cost him so much... He hated it. And all that surrounded it. It felt so unfair, to be cut out of everything, after all he'd done to help... No, this was not fair! He wanted to scream and he wanted to throw up and he wanted this to be a bad dream.

Fili joined them, too. At least his brother hadn't abandoned him, and had chosen to stay with him. It made him sad to think that Fili would miss everything as well, but he would provide a welcoming presence. He could always count on Fili, specially in the important things. A good brother, indeed. There thorugh thick and thin.

Kili felt wrong, so very wrong. He was starting to fear his flesh-wound to be serious. The pain was in his head, in his throat and lungs, in his stomach. He bitterly watched how the company left in the boat. How the dream slipped through his fingers. They were gone.

Bofur appeared but Kili barely acknowledged it. The pain was too much. The shape of his brother blurred. He could no longer pretend.

And so he fell, no longer able to hold himself, he fell into Fili, let the pain get the best of him.

There was nothing left to fight for anymore.

It was the end.

A/N: First time in the fandom, I should be finishing one of my Avengers stories but I saw DoS yesterday and loooooooved the Kili angst! Sorry for the content mistakes and the spelling/grammar mistakes as well! English is not my first language! I could continue with the rest of the movie and AU from there or leave it here. I'll be eagerly awaiting your comments! Reviews are loveee! ^^


	2. Chapter 2

He hadn't even considered the possibility. When Fili had embarked in this quest, he had known it wouldn't be easy. He had known that they would face many dangers, maybe even lose some companions along the way. He understood they should be prepared for the worst, and that the success of the mission was the most important thing, because it would make a great difference for all dwarves. All this he knew, all this he had interiorised. It was something he knew, and had no trouble admitting. But never he had thought that something could happen to his brother in the process. Of course not. Kili couldn't be hurt.

When Kili wen out to help them to lower the lever so the barrels would pass, Fili hadn't been worried. In fact, he thought it was a good idea - Kili was a good warrior, he would help them get out, end this situation. Fili even helped him when some orcs where getting too close. They had the situation under control. And just as Kili was reaching the lever, so close from freedom, it happened.

The arrow had come seemingly out of nowhere, and buried itself in his brother's knee, effectively stopping him in his tracks. He barely even made made a sound. Kili tried to pull down the lever nevertheless, but collapsed on the floor, in pain. Fili's heart almost stopped. No. His brother couldn't have been hit when they were surrounded by elves and orcs. No.

Thankfully, that lady elf from before appeared, and help Kili accomplish his mission.

He pulled down the lever but this caused another problem, because now they were going down and Kili was still up there, surrounded. If he didn't make it to the barrel... He did, luckily, even if he had to bit back a scream of pain. Fili was glad, but worried. Of all people to get injured, why did it had to be Kili?

To be honest, since that moment, Fili had been worried out if his mind. His brother had a very nasty wound - and he knew from experience that every injury, if left untreated, could become lethal. He knew about infections and about honourable people who'd died because of them. And his brother didn't look good, either. Every time Fili looked his brother looked paler and sicker, it was obvious that he was in pain and struggling. Fili had seen him grimacing a couple of times when he thought no one was looking. It wasn't good. His brother needed rest and quiet, he needed to keep still to be properly healed. And instead, he was getting shoved around, being moved and running to places. He feared his brother would only get worse like this.

Fili wanted to stop, wanted to tell Thorin that they needed to rest, that Kili was not all right - and that was the most important thing, right? It was in his mind, at least. In his, but not in Thorin's. Fili knew they had no time for stopping or resting. If they wanted to get to the mountain on time, they needed to be quick. No time for distractions. So Fili tried to be calm, tried not to worry, tried to convince himself that it was all right, that Kili was all right. He needed to believe that. The alternative was not an option. His brother would be fine and they would go together to the mountains and end that dragon, just as they were supposed to. Of course.

They had been waiting for this all their lives, and they were so close now. They'd been through so much and were so close. So incredibly close. He sighed. Part of Fili knew that there was something wrong, that as much as he willed them not to, things had changed. His brother was not all right, and moving around in a quest was not going to help. But no, no, no, he couldn't think like that. It was only a flesh wound, his brother had had worse and he had recovered without any problems. He was young, and strong and healthy. He was worrying too much, as he tended to do with his little brother. Simply worrying too much. Kili would be there when they opened the door on the mountain. That was the only way it could be.

But then they day of leaving arrived and Thorin decided his brother was not coming with them. It was harsh and Fili saw the hurt in his brother's eyes forming. He didn't ask, he just stopped Kili and told him to stay. To let go of the quest, to forget all they had dreamed about and remain in an unfriendly town, while the rest of them left to glory and triumph. It wasn't fair. So not fair. Fili tried to change his uncle's mind, for he knew how important was to Kili to be part of the quest. He was of the line of Durin, he deserved this. And now all his dreams were collapsing around him.

No. If Kili wouldn't continue on the quest, neither would he. If he was stripped of glory, so would he. Thorin tried to stop him, claiming that he belonged with the company.

"I belong with my brother."

And so he went to Kili, there on the floor next to Oin with a melancholic face. He had lost, and all because he'd wanted to help when they were in a bad place. And now he had to watch as the men he'd help save left without him. It was so wrong. But Fili had no thoughts for the mission as he focused on his brother's appearance. His face was pale and ashen, and there was pain etched in his features. This didn't make sense. He was supposed to be better - it had only been a flesh wound, right? But Kili looked bad and -.

Bofur appeared out of nowhere and then it happened. Something Fili wouldn't forget for the rest of his life. He felt his brother go limp and Kili fell on him, lifeless. His eyes were closed, and as much as Fili tried to wake him, he only managed to get Kili half-conscious. No, please, no. While Fili carried his brother, the rest of the dwarves asked the people nearby to help them, but they all refused. They had enough on their plates, they said, to handle strangers too. They said they had no medicines. Bofur left for the governor's place (surely he would have a bed to spare) - but he was refused and thrown out by guards. The situation only got worse and worse.

And all that time Kili was moaning in pain, all semblance of being whole completely forgotten, which only scared Fili further. Kili always tried to look whole, to minimize his injuries, to act strong despite the pain he was in. But Kili couldn't pretend any longer. He was in pain, in so much pain, and held on to his brother for dear life. He vaguely wondered if this was it. If he would go in the street of a city that didn't want him, clutching at his brother to find some warmth. He felt so cold. So incredibly cold, despite his leg being on fire. The rest of him was chilled. He had lost. And he was going to lose so much more.

Fili stopped being worried and was now simply terrified. This was much worse than anything else that they'd been in. This wasn't orcs, or goblins, nothing that could be solved with swords and axes. This was Kili being extremely sick and left in the streets. This was much worse than not arriving to the gates on time, than losing the key, than failing in the quest. This was him losing his brother.

This was Kili suffering - something that Fili would never be able to withstand.

"Maybe we should go to Bard's, he did help us - even if it was for money. Although I don't know if he will again."

It was a decent idea. It could work.

"He will." Fili declared. "He's a good man."

And indeed he did.

Bard hadn't been happy, not one bit. They had let the dwarves go and it was only a matter of time before they woke the dragon - and then everything would be lost. His home, the home of his children, everything would go up in flames. And all why? Because some dwarves wanted their riches back. And now they would all lose everything because of them.

Just then there was someone at the door, at it was them, again. Dwarves. Well, no more, they would not set another foot in his house. He was done with them for good. But the one with the peculiar hat stopped him as he was closing the door and there was a hint of despair in his eyes.

"Please." The dwarf said. "Kili's sick. He's very sick."

And that was when Bard saw him. One of the dwarves, the youngest one from the looks of him who seemed to be barely awake, and his face was white as a sheet. Damn. He couldn't just abandon the guy in such a condition, and when it was so cold out. It was inhumane. Bard instructed the others where they could put the injured dwarf and looked for something to help him.

Kili groaned and complained, his mind completely taken over by the pain and the cold. It was everywhere now, it had spread like wildfire. He wanted to be whole, to say it was nothing, but the pain was too much for him to bear. Too much. He didn't register being put on a bed in Bard's place. Didn't register the kids going out of the house, the girls looking for something they might have to help. All he knew was pain. He searched for his brother with unfocused eyes until he found him, and Fili took his hand.

"I'm here." Fili said, trying to provide some comfort."I'm not leaving you."

Another wave of pain shot through the younger dwarf, who screamed in agony.

When he recovered his breath, he looked at his brother.

"It hurts. It hurts so much." He managed to say.

Fili put a hand on his brother's forehead and noticed how warm he was. Now he had a fever. Damn everything, damn the orcs, damn the elves, and damn this quest. What good could Erebor be if he didn't have his brother by his side? If he lost him on the way? No. Kili would get better. He had to.

Oin and Bofur were there in mere instants, and took a look at the hastily bound injury. All the area surrounding it was red and angry, and there was a strange red pattern spreading through the leg.

"This no common infection." Oin declared. "I fear the poor boy has been poisoned."

Fili grimaced, while his brother tossed and turned uncomfortably, trying to get rid of the pain assaulting him everywhere, breathing heavily.

"I'm scared." He whispered, in a barely audible tone.

"So am I." Fili admitted, despite himself.

They had been left behind in a town where they had only a friendly family and almost no supplies. And his brother had been poisoned.

In that small house, watching his brother suffer, Fili felt utterly abandoned.

A/n: Hey, I continued this! Did you like it? Yes? I certainly hope so! You know you want to review ^^


	3. Chapter 3

There didn't seem to be anything left to do. Bofur had left to find some Kingsfoil and Oin and Bard had done all they could to lower Kili's fever, but it simply wasn't working. Nothing was working. Absolutely nothing. And Kili's condition was rapidly worsening, getting more serious. Fili could see his brother's eyes glazing over and see the pain in them.

Kili didn't want to look weak. He wanted to be strong in this hardship and not worry the rest. That's why he'd kept walking, why he continued in the company and said he was fine. He was trying to prove himself - and he had failed. He could not hold the façade any longer.

He felt so cold. So terribly cold. Kili didn't know when he'd gotten so cold, or why weren't there any more blankets, something for the cold. He felt so cold and he could barely see anything. Some moments everything was blurred and nothing was real anymore. Kili would surprise himself moaning and complaining without even realising that those sounds were coming from him. He moved and moved, but couldn't shake off the cold, that cold that was completely taking over him.

Kili was only half aware of what was going on around him, of the people surrounding him, but he knew his brother was there. As much as he didn't want to worry him - he couldn't act whole anymore. Couldn't act like had been, because it was too much.

Fili was trying to be strong, for his brother, for everyone but they could all see the anguish in his eyes, how terribly frustrated he felt at not being able of doing something to diminish his brother's pain. One of Bard's daughter's, the oldest one, approached him.

"Don't worry. You'll get the kingsfoil in no time and your friend we'll be all right again." She told Fili.

"He's not just my friend, he's my little brother. I should have known he was all right, I should have... If he doesn't make it..."

Sigrid understood, she understood better than anyone else. She too was an older sibling and just imagining that Bain or Tilda could be in the situation, in the amount of pain that young dwarf was made her shiver.

"How did he get like this?"

"We were trapped and being attacked by orcs... He pulled the lever that set us free, but got shot with a poisoned arrow. But I didn't know it was this bad..."

"That was very brave of him."

"He's one of the bravest dwarves there are. Too brave for his own good, maybe."

Sigrid softly caressed the burning-hot cheek of the sick dwarf, but Kili didn't react to the touch, lost as he was in his pain. Fili was holding his hand to try and provide some comfort. Sigrid smiled at him.

"I'm Sigrid, by the way."

Fili drew a small smile.

"My name is Fili and this is Kili. We thank you, Sigrid, you and your family, for giving us shelter when everyone refused us. Even when your father is so convinced that the prophecy will be fulfilled..."

"Even something really does happen, it will not be his fault." She said, looking at Kili. The dwarf kept tossing and turning, moaning loudly. There were a couple of tears rolling down the corner of his eyes, and Fili held his hand tighter, trying to make his presence known.

"It would be inhumane just to leave you there in the cold, specially with someone as sick as he is." Fili nodded and smiled gratefully at her.

Time went by terribly slowly and Bofur was nowhere to be seen. Could he be lost? He left so long ago and his task wasn't too complicated, was it? They needed those herbs, and they needed them now. Kili wouldn't last much longer, not with that fever.  
And Fili was starting to panic.

That was they heard it, a noise coming from the mountain. The whole house shook.

The dragon.

They were lost. If Smaug had been awakened... Fili thought of Thorin and the rest of them. But he knew that his uncle and his company could defend themselves perfectly. They were warriors. Sigrid and her siblings, on the contrary...

He went to Bard, not wanting the family to be caught in the fire because they'd been helping them. It was obvious that they couldn't leave, not with Kili being as bad as he was, but maybe Bard and his family could reach someplace safe.

"There's nowhere to go."

Bard took the black arrow and left, leaving the dwarves with the kids.

Kili could more or less hear what was happening through the pain. He wished he could be of help, he wished he could do something. He wished he could at least tell Fili not to worry, that he was going to be okay. But he couldn't. He couldn't even speak. He could only scream in pain and hiss, trying to get his mind off of the pain. The pain that was now burning him, coming and going on waves and reaching all of him. His lung were on fire, his stomach was on fire, he was living in hell.

He only wished, that when the time came, he would be able to say goodbye to his brother.

He didn't want Fili to remember him in agony.

...And he didn't want to go.

He wanted to see his uncle victorious, wanted to see Tauriel again. Wanted to be there when Fili became king too, and spoil the nephews or nieces he'd have. He'd barely began living. How could it already be over?

Sigrid was scared, she had to admit it. She didn't like hearing that the dragon had been woken, she hadn't liked anything that had happened since the dwarves showed up. But she couldn't show her fear, much less with their father gone. She had to be strong, for Tilda most of all. Because if she showed any signs of uncertainty her little sister would know that there was reason to be afraid. No, she would be all right. She had to at least pretend to be for the sake of her brother and sister.

Just like that blonde dwarf next to the bed (Fili, was it?) was trying to be strong for his brother even if it was obvious that he was terrified, seeing his little brother so sick. The brunette hadn't stopped moaning and was deathly pale, it was clear that he was in a lot of pain. If this was completely breaking her heart, she didn't want to imagine how the boy's brother must be feeling. Boy, yes, because that particular dwarf seemed younger than the rest. Maybe he wasn't much older than herself in dwarf years. Who knew.

Nevertheless, Sigrid really hoped the solution would come quickly, because she didn't think the dwarf would be able to fight the pain and the poison much longer. Every body had its limits. And whatever they had poisoned him with, it was bad.

Suddenly, as she was lost in her thoughts she heard a noise and felt hopeful.

"Da?"

But it wasn't him. It was a horde of vicious orcs who were attacking everything and everyone. Sigrid screamed and then was thrown in the house where she tried to get herself and her sister as safe as possible.

The dwarves tried to take the orcs down but it wasn't easy with almost no weapons to speak of. They fought as well as they could, trying to defend the children.

Kili looked around him in despair, feeling useless and powerless. And then an orc took him by his bad leg and his agony reached unspeakable proportions - he screamed. He kept trying to stay awake - he wanted to help as little as his help might be in the state he was. He couldn't pass out now. He fell out of the bed and into the floor while there was chaos all around him.

Their saviours appeared in the perfect moment, as if by magic, two elves - one blonde, one ginger. They took care of all their enemies quick and with skill.

Kili also helped, stabbing one of the last orcs left. Sadly, that took all of the little strength he had left. He fell to the floor, boneless, consumed by the toxic fire inside him. He felt as if his insides were coming undone and he was choking on the very air he was breathing.

This was the end. Barely holding to consciousness, Kili looked around, but all he could see were shadows. He screamed.

Fili and Oin went to him, scared.

Tauriel went there too. She couldn't believe this was the same dwarf that talked to her about the moon and the stars, the same dwarf that told her about his promise, that bright young warrior. Now he was barely able to keep his eyes open and had lost all colour, thrashing in the floor. She knew he'd been poisoned, but...

"Tauriel!" Legolas called her. Of course, the fight was not over, evil still roamed those lands. And she should go with Legolas, help him.

Fili was now scared out of his mind. Kili looked like he was giving up. No. NO!

And that was when they heard them. Those terrible final words.

"We're losing him."

A/N: Sorry if this was a bit boring, I wanted to give some insight on Sigrid and the growing angst. Next chapter should have lots of Tauriel! And Fili being wary of her 'cos she's an elf and things. Please, if you liked it, do review! ^^


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